


Ratings Trap

by SociallyUnacceptableOrb



Category: Hoshi no Kaabii | Kirby: Right Back at Ya!
Genre: :(, Gen, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-16 03:54:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18683617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SociallyUnacceptableOrb/pseuds/SociallyUnacceptableOrb
Summary: Sometimes, it's for the best if a show doesn't get renewed. Takes heavy inspiration from Candle Cove, The Truman Show, and Perfect Blue.





	Ratings Trap

“This is Channel DDD!”

It was a normal day in Cappy Town, all things considered. Warm and inviting with a gentle spring breeze, perfect for playing outside. Of course, the residents of the castle were all currently inside as an important news bulletin caused their set to turn on. Lady Like and Sir Ebrum sat engrossed in front of the television as Tuff and Kirby passively viewed it from the dinner table. Tiff completely ignored it with her nose stuck in a book.

“We’re here to bring you a special announcement!” Escargoon said. “Our Rubenesque rex has graciously allowed us to begin airing series from other planet’s airwaves for the first time! These programs have gone through rigorous examinations to ensure that they have been perfectly formulated for your viewing pleasure!

“But that’s not all! We’ve got so many of the darn things that we just can’t keep it all! So, we’ll be hosting a special night of sample episodes for Cappy Town to hand-pick! Starting around 2pm, every home will be given a special button hooked up to our broadcasting towers! When you see a show you really like, just press that clicker and secure your vote!”

 _The illusion of control_ , Tiff mused silently.

“And after all the shows are over, we’ll tally up the scoreboard! The top three programs will be shown on our exclusive new channel, Dedede Plus!” Escargoon winked after the not-so-subtle product placement. “Be sure to tune in tonight and sign up for Dedede Plus; your vote could change it all!”

“A contest where we’re the judges? My, how unmusical!” Lady Like said.

Sir Ebrum smoothed his moustache as he puzzled. “Well, I must say, it would be nice to have a series that doesn’t revolve solely around Dedede. We already see enough of him outside of the television.”

“I hope they’ve got some cool cartoons!” Tuff said as he hopped out of his chair. “Like ones where superhero teams fight monsters! Or ones where space robots travel through the galaxy looking for aliens!”

Kirby gave a happy squeak in agreement and Tiff put down her book.

“Those would be nice, I guess,” she said. “But I don’t like how he chose the ones we’re going to see beforehand. It feels like he’s a big hypocrite.”

“Ugh, sis!” Tuff groaned. “Why can’t you just be grateful for once?”

“I’m not ungrateful, I just know that we’re dealing with Dedede. With him, there has to be a catch. There’s always a catch.”

* * *

_**pingpingpinku:**  So, does anybody remember that one old tv show about these knights? I think it was called something like Values of Valor or some s**t like that. There’s this one blue knight dude from it that uses an axe and has a red cape. It’s right on the tip of my tongue._

_**Miss_Y_Not:**  You mean Victorious Quests of the Stars?_

_**pingpingpinku:**  Yeah, that’s it!_

_**lingo13354:**  Oh my god, I loved that show! Meta Knight was def my favorite, but Lancelot was a close second. I mean, I’m guessing that’s the guy you’re talking about unless they added a new character in after Season 3. For some reason, they stopped airing it on my planet after that._

_**DaHorror:**  WE TALKING ABOUT VICTORIOUS QUESTS IN THIS B**CH?_

_**pingpingpinku:**  Lancelot, that’s him. God, I had the biggest crush on him when I was younger. I drew so much fanart of him, lemme get it!_

_**Miss_Y_Not:**  Victorious Quests was so good, damn._

_**DaHorror:**  I liked it a lot more than the usual crap we got through HNM broadcasting. There weren’t any annoying sound effects, no kids being played by balding adults pumped with Botox, no clip shows, no earsplitting studio audience laughter or bullf**k plot twists, it genuinely felt real. I think the only thing I hated about it was the camera work. It was usually okay, but sometimes it looked like the camera guy was hiding from them._

_**lingo13354:**  Too many Dutch angles looking back on it, but the show still holds up pretty well. No clue why they only released toys for it a good 10 years after it had been canned. I would’ve killed for a Kit Cosmos when I was little._

_**pingpingpinku:**  What are some of your favorite episodes? Mine’s definitely the one where Arthur and Meta Knight fought together for the first time._

_**DaHorror:**  It’s a tossup between Garlude’s intro episode and the season 2 finale._

_**lingo13354:**  I liked all of season 3. Like I said, can’t say much about the other two seasons since I never got to see them. I might torrent them this weekend if I’ve got the time._

_**Miss_Y_Not:**  Season three is really where the series hit its stride, and the best of all of them is episode 19. It’s the perfect intro to the series! Even better than the pilot, in my opinion._

* * *

Just as Escargoon had said, a troupe of Waddle Dees came into their house around 2pm, making sure their television was in working order and giving them all tube-shaped buttons. Kirby nearly ate his upon five seconds of being given it, but Tiff told him to wait until the shows had started. What followed for the next 5 hours was an advertisement free (if one didn’t count screen bugs at the bottom) montage of new TV shows.

The first one was a stereotypical detective show, a bit bland but otherwise harmless. Shows two through six were all nigh-identical sitcoms, each one more annoying than the last. The sixth show was a nature documentary (one Tuff pretended to sleep through) about lizards. The seventh show was one Tiff, Tuff, and Kirby were escorted out of the room before they could see. In the hallway, Tiff couldn’t quite make out what happened on the show, but she did hear both her parent’s clickers go off. The eighth show was a cooking program that would’ve gotten a vote from the family if Kirby hadn’t nearly eaten the TV trying to get to the delicious desserts on screen.

Tiff retained her paranoia through the marathon as the ninth series, an action anime like her brother had requested, ended. As the scene faded to black as it segued into another show, she could hear a cheesy synth and saw the words “Victorious Quests of the Stars” flash onto the screen.

“Episode 19? How come they’re not airing the first one?” Tuff asked. “And it looks so boring!”

True, the nondescript title card of white Arial text on a pure black background wasn’t much, but Tiff knew better than her brother to judge a book by its cover so soon.

_“You know, when I told you that if you ate enough cheeseburgers you’d turn into one, I didn’t mean that literally!”_

_“Hey, this ain’t got nothing to do with you or your nagging, Garlude! I’m the medic here, remember? Just thought I should get some more reps in.”_

_“Well, either way, you’ll end up being a big wall of meat!”_

On the screen there were two people: a woman with purple hair wearing a golden diadem and a blue tunic, and a purple skinned blond with pointed ears in a black muscle shirt and shorts.

“Hey! That guy looks like Knuckle Joe!” Tuff laughed. “Even sounds a little like him, too!”

“Robust chap, isn’t he?” Sir Ebrum wondered aloud. Lady Like said nothing in response, only grinning and fanning herself with a nod.

Tiff was paralyzed as she watched them interact onscreen. She recognized them, too. The woman shared a name with Sirica’s mother and heavily resembled her to boot, and the man was Knuckle Joes’ father, whom she recognized from his action figure.

The scene suddenly shifted to an unrelated conversation between two other knights, a pair of puffballs. Was this a show about the Star Warriors, created by Nightmare himself? If so, she would’ve expected them to act cruelly or disgusting, but they were just… people. The entire scene felt way too personal, like it had been stolen from a home movie. Maybe that’s what Nightmare found the most disgusting; somebody like him would think any kind of positive interaction was vile.

Kirby was also silent as he watched, his expression wholly blank. No confusion. No joy, no fear, nothing but an empty look as he stared at the Star Warriors.  He didn’t make a sound, even as a scene with two characters regarding rations played next. They were a lavender bird wielding an axe, and a dark blue puffball, wearing a circular mask and a navy cape…

It wasn’t an actor that looked like Meta Knight. It was him, plain as day; he had the same inflections in his voice when he spoke, tiny little quirks when he moved and interacted with other people, body language that nobody else could replicate.

Tiff’s legs finally seemed to work, and she bolted from the room with Kirby in hot pursuit. She could hear her mother’s confused shout as she ran off and her brother complaining that “she would miss the best part”, but she needed to get to Meta Knight as fast as she could.

She hoped he’d know what was going on.

* * *

_**DaHorror:**  Was kinda bulls**t how they made Percival a girl out of nowhere, though. Even back then it reeked of diversity brownie points._

_**lingo13354:**  Percival was always going to be a girl, they were supposed to reveal it in the first episode, but it got moved until the season finale for some reason. But y’know what always baffled me? Why they changed Cavalier Jakra’s actor for a guy that looked just like him but a little more muscular._

_**DaHorror:**  Guessing the actor hit puberty?_

_**pingpingpinku:**  You don’t hit puberty in your twenties, dude. But goddamn did the new Jakra’s voice turn me gay. Deep, gravelly voices are so hot._

_**Miss_Y_Not:**  Lucky you! I got stuck with the dub! F**k, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive that stupid accent they gave Arthur._

_**lingo13354:**  The dub wasn’t that bad, guys. I’d argue probably the worst part of the show was the fact that half the one-shot characters don’t even get a passing cameo in the other episodes. They get mentioned from time to time, but they show up once and then they’re gone. Adds to the “realism” factor a little too well._

_**pingpingpinku:**  Speaking of characters that only get mentioned once or twice, anyone else remember Jakra’s wife? I think her name was Lilly or Rosy?_

_**lingo13354:** Dolly. Her name was Dolly. Not surprised you don’t remember her name; she was usually called the “Jack-hogging b**ch” by JakKage and GwenKra shippers._

_**Miss_Y_Not:**  Hey, those a-holes were a minority. I shipped the s**t out of Jakra/Guinevere when I was younger, same goes for Meta Knight/Garlude and Arthur/Lancelot. Secondhand embarrassment from that one stupid rumor makes me cringe to this day._

_**pingpingpinku:**  Wait, what rumor?_

_**Miss_Y_Not:**  Oh, my sweet summer child… there was an ongoing rumor that Dolly was never real, and that “Dolly” was a codeword for whenever the two of them were going to meet in secret. It was f**king stupid how people tried to justify that “Dolly” only got added in to piss off the shippers or how it was the name of their future daughter. And then in mid-season 4 Jakra barged in saying he was gonna have a son, and all hell broke loose._

_**DaHorror:**  B**ches be crazy._

* * *

As Tiff rounded the corner, she was greeted with the repulsive sound of Meta Knight loudly retching. Sword and Blade’s frantic yelling could be heard as well as they desperately tried to calm him down, but the damage had been done. Nightmare had somehow managed to spy on the Star Warriors for years with none of them the wiser; who wouldn’t be terrified at the thought? The room’s door was opened only a crack and peering inside Tiff could see that an axe had been thrust through the set. With a very tired sigh, Tiff closed the door silently.

“Poyo?” Kirby had caught up with her, startling the young girl as she looked down at him, her eyes glazing over with tears about to precariously drop. Kirby took her hand gently and squeezed it, returning her sadness with a comforting gaze.

Tiff knew that he couldn’t understand the gravity of the situation, but he always knew when his loved ones were upset and would try his hardest to make them feel better. She patted his little paw and walked away from the knight’s barracks as a pit began to form in her stomach. This sickened feeling stayed with her until she made it back up to her room and was swiftly supplanted with an overwhelming feeling of horror when she heard her brother call out to her.

“Tiff! Hurry up! They’re announcing the winners!”

Oh NOVA. Tiff had completely forgotten about the contest. She ran into the room, hoping and praying that it wouldn’t turn out the way she feared. On the screen, apparently unaware of one of their finest guardsman’s panic attack, was Escargoon sitting at a podium reading out of a letter with a fancy seal on the fold.

“Leading the charge with 1582 votes is **Science, Science, and More Science!** Wow, really witty title they’ve got there. Next up, in second place with 1977 votes is **Mrs. Parfait’s Beautiful Baking Contest!** And in a landslide with 6044 votes – to be frank, I didn’t even know there were that many people that lived here – we’ve got **Victorious Quests of the Stars!** There you have it, folks! Thanks for playing along and thank you for supporting us; they’re all yours with a subscription to our new channel!”

Her heart sank to the ground.

* * *

_**Miss_Y_Not:**  Holy s**t, you seriously wrote that high school AU fic?_

_**DaHorror:**  Yeah, I wrote the whole thing in an hour fueled on cheap beer and nachos and plopped it on my sister’s fanfic account. She probably only forgave me because of how popular it got._

_**pingpingpinku:**  Off topic, but I always wondered why they cancelled the show if it was doing so good. The Season 4 premiere got like, 6 million views when it came out._

_**lingo13354:**  I read somewhere that it had to do with the budget. Sure, they got great ratings and tons of viewership, but they were literally just making back the money it took to produce a single episode with each one they did. So they had to cancel it after Season 5._

_**DaHorror:**  Which sucks major ass, since they didn’t even show us Garlude and Meta Knight getting Galaxia, they just shot to her saying that they could use it to save Jakra and then nothing. F**KING. NOTHING. We wasted 3 seasons on explaining how important it is and they don’t even show it to us._

_**lingo13354:**  Yeah… I always wondered who was the worthiest one to wield it. I adore MK, but Garlude seemed like she knew more about it. Ah, I remember the Galaxia fanwank as if it were only yesterday._

_**pingpingpinku:**  Were the toys they made a few months back intended to sell it to a new audience, or were they hinting at a revival? Because that either makes the “adult” Galahad toy we saw is based off someone’s stolen fanart or they made the toys before remembering the shoestring budget._

_**lingo13354:**  Like I said, haven’t got an idea. But I don’t think a revival would work, considering half the actors are probably retired or dead. Though I do remember the guy playing Meta Knight and the girl playing Vivienne in a monster movie once, so at least they’re still around. And since HNM went bankrupt a few months back, we’re even more screwed._

_**Miss_Y_Not:**  At least we’ve got reruns to tide us over. You don’t see me complaining!_

_**pingpingpinku:**  And they’ve got something to look back on and laugh!_

**Author's Note:**

> Say, wouldn't it be cool if we got a prequel anime based on the GSA?


End file.
